My sugar-momma tried to buy me an iPhone for Valentine's Day. She thought it'd raise my social status enough to introduce me to her kid.
I made her take the money and go take cooking lessons. At least now she can have those romantic ideas about "marriage" and "children" while doing something useful. Like grilling me a steak.
"Smart-phones," like the iPhone, are self-indulgent toys that you don't need. It's a technological penis pump, used to inflate the egos of yuppies and balding men alike. The same goes for Blueberry, Flapjack, and the Oreo. Even fact-checking the names of these products is a waste of time.
Anytime you feel the burning in your loins, that familiar ache between your legs begging you to check your e-mail on your phone just because you can, remind yourself: you're not that important. You might have been brainwashed by "your parents" or the "education system" to believe otherwise. Sometimes these people say crazy things: supposedly it has to do with "your best interests," or "self-esteem." Trust me - I didn't put quotations around all those words for no reason.
You are not that important. Say it out loud a couple times. See how it rolls off the tongue.
Besides the Internet and e-mail, these phones come with a plethora of frivolous applications that no social-norm-abiding citizen should ever need:
Calculator? Please. It's presumptuous to believe any math that requires more mental activity than can be performed using your fingers is worth doing. At Princeton, they use their toes, too-snobs.
Camera: Only you and your mother care about the blurry picture you got of Heidi Montag while you were in NYC, ordering a latte from Starbucks or something equally glamorous. And your mother's just being polite.
Wi-Fi Store: Fantastic, now you can buy crap like smart-phone accessories you don't need, from the comfort of your toilet. Why didn't someone think of this sooner?
MP3 Player: Instead of listening to your crappy playlist, do what I do - become a beat-boxing extraordinaire. Now I don't need music. I just drop beats (I mean beatz) with my mad skills (I mean skillz.) For a small fee, I'll even send you a sample. That way, you can load it onto your MP3 player and… oh… moving on then…
Video Player: While you lose brain cells catching yesterday's "Gossip Girl's" on a 3.5 inch screen, you're missing out on this great flick-it's called Your Life. Be sure to flip back to it once in a while. You might find something interesting worth living.
There are at least another 17 applications not worth your time - six of them alone revolve around text-messaging. But its dinner-time, and I think I smell my steak grilling. That's what I call $399 well spent.
