Dear Budding Starlet #6,
Award season has come and gone, but the memory of you in your formalwear still lingers. Not long after the curtains have closed and your shiny honors have been shelved, you, a silver screen darling, are finding yourself on best and worst dressed lists. Yes, the sting of not-so-pleasant critique is hard to bear, but in a time when everyone believes themself to be a fashion critic, a juicy verbal lashing based on poor judgment in style is difficult to avoid.
It's true. Our culture seems to be more fixated on the fashion successes and faux pas of its Hollywood inhabitants more than ever before. With little more than an Internet connection, blog account, and bitchy wit can the average Suzy Smith, a self-proclaimed fashionista, persecute unsuspecting celebrities.
But let's give credit where credit is due. Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan may seem like your typical selfish, backstabbing, slut-faced ho-bags. But in reality, they are so much more than that. Bloggers of the acclaimed Web site GoFugYourself.com, Heather and Jessica liberally declare your fashion fug like no other blogger dares. Their reporting on the style indiscretions of you and your circle of ingénue frenemies is a vicious mix of humor and know-it-all attitude.
And if you aren't reading about your recent fashion offenses on the Web, they're staring back at you in the weekly tabloids. How comfy of a place these anonymous critics made for you right between Tara Reid and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Defend your fashion transgressions to me one more time? I do so wish for a good laugh.
Let's also not forget Mr. Blackwell. Before you confuse this with some VIP club, let me remind you that Mr. Blackwell is the creator behind the Ten Worst Dressed Women of the Year list. Pray you don't become a victim on his next list.
But please, don't be so na've to think that's the most you'll be dealing with. You may even come face-to-face with the fashion critics right there on the red carpet. Remember Joan Rivers? Right around the time of her eighteenth venture into plastic surgery, Joan Rivers was a staple to the style commentary of the E! network. Mandating the red carpet like no drunken other, Joan, along with her daughter, became household names in fashion bitchery. Today, the fashion police of E! comprise the narcissistic Debbie Matenopoulos, hairstylist Peter Ishkhans, and an assortment of D-list celebrities like Jay Manuel from "America's Next Top Model," "designer" Kimora Lee Simmons, and "model" Ali Landry. The celebrity of these names are unfortunately more convincing than their fashion critic credentials, but you'll just have to bite the bullet.
Even yours truly enjoys exercising a critical eye for fashion flops. Let me say how sorry I am now for my lack of tact or restrain. But maybe you'd like to make some apologies for the word vomit that your style induces? Regardless, I'm here to help you through these seemingly superficial trials. What can I say if I'm terribly entertained by the fug you'd like to pass off as fab?
You know you love me. xoxo.
- Your biggest fan critic
