By Chris Lee
Books Editor
"I don't subscribe to a particular religion," T.J. Parsell, author of Fish: A Memoir Of A Boy In A Man's Prison, admits. "But I do believe in a higher power. I'm a spiritual person. They say religion is for people who are afraid of hell, and spirituality is for people who've been there. I've been to hell."
After reading Fish, most would agree.
In his memoirs, Parsell recounts his experience as a 17-year old boy sent to jail for robbing a Photo Mat in 1978. He eventually spends four years on the inside. Vulnerable, na've, and confused about his identity and sexuality-in jail, Parsell realizes he is homosexual-it wasn't long before inmates took advantage of him.
Parsell describes his rapes with startling realism and brutal honesty. The first rape took place his first night at Riverside Correctional Facility in Ionia, MI. The ordeal started when he was lured, drugged, then raped by three different inmates. Afterwards, the horror began.
With Parsell watching from a few feet away, a coin was flipped to see who would become Parsell's "man" during his time at Riverside.
"Years later, I tried to talk about the coin toss (to see who would "own" me) for the first time. I could barely get the words out." Parsell hesitates, recalling the memory. "My face… it burned with shame." He takes another second to compose himself, and his voice returns with resolution.
"Now, there's no shame. That shame belongs to those who did it, and to the administration that let it happen."
He adds later on, "I haven't forgiven them. I think I've given up on the anger and rage I used to experience when I thought about it, but forgiveness…" he trails off.
After reading his memoirs, Parsell says Jamie Fellner, the U.S. director for Human Rights Watch, asked him how he could remember the details so vividly.
"I asked her, 'How could I possibly forget?'"
Before writing Fish, Parsell enjoyed a lucrative income as a senior vice-president for a software company. His coming out and decision to leave the industry surprised many.
"I was very private about my personal life. It was almost like a business decision. When I first started in the company, I was selling a product that targeted white, middle-aged men. I wasn't going to make sales by talking to them about my boyfriend."
"Some people supported me and were blown away by my story. Others, I just sort of never heard from again. Of course, it's not like I did a survey or anything," he adds.
Parsell serves as the president on the Stop Prisoner Rape board, and continues to work towards prison reform.
"Some places are still in denial, because it's difficult: jails are overcrowded and understaffed. But there are conversations taking place, talk about changing policy so that complaints against guards and other inmates are taken more seriously, changing the layout of jails, and classification system."
For the past few months, Parsell has been sharing his story with "anyone who will listen." His visits have primarily been to law schools, universities, and correctional facilities.
"I recently visited a high school in New York City. I was more nervous speaking to them than the inmates at the jails I've spoken to. But they were very intelligent, and asked smart questions. I didn't have to change my message at all."
Parsell mentions in Fish that after getting out of jail he dealt with alcohol abuse and a cocaine addiction.
"I was haunted by my memories, and cocaine made me feel sober. It gave me a second wind." He pauses. "Then a third, and a fourth… it would start off with some cocktails after work, and by the end of the night, I'd enter my own isolation in the backroom of a sex club to do cocaine."
"It was God's grace that I got through those years without contracting HIV," he insists.
"Talking about [the experience] has gotten easier, but it's still painful. It's all a part of the healing process. If I can take this experience and turn it into something good, something helpful, then it makes it all worthwhile."
Be the first to comment on this article!