‘Friendly fascist’ rallies on College Avenue
A sprawling grey-bearded man with a 2-foot-tall rubber boot on his head addressed members of the University community about an imminent zombie apocalypse yesterday on the steps of Brower Commons.
“[I’m] Vermin Supreme, the friendly fascist — the tyrant you can trust,” he said. “Let me run your life, I know what’s best for you.”
During a rally in front of about 20 students on College Avenue, the self-proclaimed 2012 presidential candidate outlined his campaign platform, which includes preparing for a potential zombie invasion and mandatory dental hygiene legislation.
Supreme cited an example of government preparedness in Tom Ridge, former director of the Department of Homeland Security, who advocated for stockpiling duct tape and plastic wrap.
Supreme said Ridge’s advice was an obvious indicator that the government has been working on the zombie issue behind closed doors.
“Think about it, what immediate threat to America could you use plastic wrap and duct tape against?” he said. “You can get small groups of zombies that way!”
Shooting zombies in the head, a popular tactic in zombie movies and TV shows, would render them useless for energy output, he said.
Supreme intends to develop a renewable energy source through “giant zombie turbines,” which would be powered by dangling human brains in front of the walking dead, he said.
He expressed concern for the nation’s eroding gum lines while discussing his proposed legislation for mandatory dental hygiene, which is designed to combat gingivitis.
“This mandatory brushing law is not about the secret dental police kicking down your door at 3 a.m. … What this law is about is strong teeth for a strong America. Our country’s salivation depends on its ability to bite back,” he said.
Supreme’s final promise if he were elected president: free ponies for every American.
He considered ponies a form of tax credit, with pony waste management having the potential to create countless jobs and keep the economy going.
“The pony race is very important and I don’t know why it hasn’t been discussed until now,” he said. “There is a pony gap in the great nations around the world today.”
Supreme said to keep up with Russia and China in pony populations, America should develop exploding ponies, flying ponies, zombie ponies and even giant ponies.
Despite describing areas he wants to change in the United States, Supreme said he has no intention of keeping any of the campaign promises he makes.
“Because I am a politician I will lie to you, because I have no reason not to,” he said. “All politicians are vermin and I am the Vermin Supreme, which is why I’m the best candidate in this race at this time.”
He also said students who vote for him in the election are wasting their votes.
“This election year, vote early and vote often, and remember that a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away,” he said.
Jonah Lipman-Stern, a Supreme campaign volunteer who coordinated the visit, said he first met Supreme at a rally when he was 17, and after realizing what the candidate stood for, signed on to work on the campaign.
“I’d say it’s been exciting, enthralling, nerve wracking at times, fantastic, et cetera et cetera,” he said. “I feel extremely strongly about all of his views.”
Matthew White, a School of Arts and Sciences senior, identified himself as a Supreme supporter.
“I think his pony plan is excellent. Also, I’m really all about harnessing the power of zombies,” White said. “In this bipartisan day and age, we could really use a candidate who can keep our teeth clean.”
White said while he believes in Supreme’s messages, he will not vote for him.
“I think, as Vermin Supreme clearly states, a vote for him is a vote completely thrown away,” White said. “His message speaks to people who are sick of usual politics in a silly way — it’s more of a statement.”
Supreme briefly outlined his tax policy to a supporter who asked him what his plans were for taxation.
“I keep going back and forth between taxing the s—- out of everything and not taxing at all,” he said.
It has been more than 20 years since Supreme last came to the University, after getting arrested in 1991 for trespassing in the Rutgers Student Center, Supreme said.
According to the police report, two men “wearing clothes and objects that drew attention” were questioned as to why they were there.
Supreme told them they were there to do an interview with WRSU, which was not confirmed by a then-member of the station, he said.
When Supreme’s story was not corroborated and he was found not to be a student, he was taken into custody for trespassing.
Supreme said his “exaggerated” campaign — though he himself does not consider it satirical — has proven accurate.
“All of my exaggerations are coming to fruition,” he said.
The rally became mobile while setting off on a parade down College Avenue, with students shouting campaign slogans and pro-Supreme chants the entire way.
“Jersey roots, global reach, Vermin Supreme,” Supreme screamed as a bus drove passed on College Avenue. “I just got that from the side of the bus.”