November 17, 2018 | ° F

A PSA to college-aged men this Valentine’s Day


Column | Frontlines


The beast has reared its ugly head once again — and no, I’m not referring to the snow or the unloved dog with two noses making its way around the Internet. Valentine’s Day is upon us, and I know this because I walked into a drug store recently and had my eyes assaulted by the heinous tokens of American commercialism Hallmark would call “gifts for your valentine.”

These purported “gifts” range from made-in-China stuffed animals to crappy, and naturally heart-shaped boxes of chocolate that I’m sure you think will get you laid. They will not, because they are lame.

If you give your girlfriend a stuffed animal, you should be dumped immediately and forced to eat its stuffing. Your girlfriend is not 6 years old, and she will not like the teddy bear stitched together by some Bangladeshi child laborer — who, by the way, would be a much more appropriate recipient of such a gift. For the record, all stuffed animals of nightmarishly large proportions are not only horrible gifts, but they should be burned at the stake until they are nothing more than a pile of ash with two beady plastic eyes on top.

Do not get her chocolate. She already has a hoard of chocolate, which she will subsequently cry into if you do not heed my warnings. Don’t get her some piece-of-garbage tchotchke or a balloon that plays “Bad Case of Loving You” every time something brushes against it. The latter is rather disconcerting in the middle of the night — and once again, it will not get you laid.

What your girlfriend wants is a sturdy vibrator and for you to give her well-researched and skillful oral sex.

This is not the same as the rushed, halfhearted mouth-to-snatch slobbering you perform every other day of the year. This is very different. Follow me, I will show you the way.

The female anatomy is a cave of wonders, and to do anything less than explore it would be a gross injustice. Don’t rush downstairs right away. Most women, generally speaking, take a few minutes to achieve a lady boner. Here is where the aforementioned vibrator comes in handy. I recommend something with multiple settings and a strong motor. It’s not too hard to figure out what to do with this magic pleasure machine, but if you’re really that clueless or have never thought to Google this sort of thing, I will help you.

There’s this thing — it’s called a clitoris. Perhaps you’ve heard of it before. It’s located at the very top of her whispering eye and when you touch it, it feels good. Keep touching it, especially with your tongue or the handy-dandy vibrator you have so thoughtfully gifted to her because I told you so.

Don’t be shy with the fingers. Your fingers have the potential to feel even better than your favorite appendage. Do not just poke around in there like you’re picking a nose. That is very bad. Consistency is key, and there are several “strokes” you can try. Move your phalanges in a come-hither motion, or up and down or in and out. You will know when you have found the right one. You must not, however, neglect the clitoris. Good head requires multitasking, so perhaps you can train for your romantic evening by patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time.

Moreover, boob touching, butt grabbing and dirty talk are most likely appreciated. Of course, I cannot speak on behalf of all women, but these things are known to be awesome for both parties.

For more advice, please consult the Internet, and do not “friend” me on Facebook.

Mary Ellen Cagnassola is a School of Arts and Sciences first-year student and the copy editor of The Daily Targum.


Mary Ellen Cagnassola

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