August 18, 2019 | 81° F

Valentine's gifts no one asked for


The most romantic day of the year is approaching faster than a coked-up heartbeat. If there’s a certain someone in your life who you like even when you’re not drunk, you’re probably busy trying to decide between flowers and chocolates. However, both options are incorrect. What you really need is something so original that it’s actually slightly disturbing. What does that mean? I’ll tell you what it means: three Valentine’s Day gift ideas that no one asked for. 

1. A lock of hair taped to a paper heart

While your S.O. is sleeping, carefully cut off a lock of his or her hair. You may ask, “Doesn’t it make more sense if I use my own hair instead?” NO. This is not about making sense, it’s about going where no one else has gone before. You may style the lock of hair depending how long it is. Braid it, twist it, crimp it or curl it. Just make sure you don’t get caught while you’re trying to clip that chunk of hair.

Cut out a paper heart. Tape the hair to said paper heart. Give to bae.

2. Voodoo doll of your S.O.’s enemy

This one is a little more complicated, seeing that you will have to procure something belonging to the enemy in question. It is important to create the voodoo doll a` la the Haitian tradition if you want this gift to be useful. According to the simplified cultural narrative supplied by American mass media, you can use an enemy’s blood, hair or a piece of clothing or whatever. 

Next, wrap a foam ball in yarn or string until completely covered to create the head of the doll. 

Take two toothpicks and make a lowercase “t” shape. This will be the foundation for the body and arms. Glue the toothpicks together and let dry, then appropriately attach the item belonging to your S.O.’s enemy. For example, if you are using enemy snot, generously coat the toothpicks. Wrap the toothpicks in yarn until there are enough layers to securely hold a pin. 

Last but not least, decorate the completed voodoo doll in the likeness of the target. Real human hair will make your doll more authentic, but yarn and string are acceptable alternatives. Give it some eyeballs and top it off with a hat pin –– congratulations, your voodoo doll is ready for playtime, sicko!

3. Photo album from the future

The newer your relationship is, the better this gift will be. You will need a blank photo album, photos of you and your S.O., glue and scissors or Photoshop. 

For this album, it is best to separate into three parts: your future wedding, your future children and the “growing old” phase of your relationship. You may dedicate as many pages to each section as you wish. 

Cut out or Photoshop you and your S.O.’s face onto a photo of a bride and groom (or a bride and a bride or a groom and a groom, depending on your imagined scenario), a family photo and two old people. The next step requires some creativity on your part. Create your dream future using magazine cutouts, Photoshop or some other photo editing program. When the album is complete, you should have a carefully planned future to share with your special someone –– at least until he or she calls the police.

So there you have it: three great ways to do V-Day a little differently this year. Here’s to hoping you and your partner last as long as a Pink Floyd record.

Mary Ellen Cagnassola

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