August 18, 2019 | 81° F

What's your St. Paddy's day sloshed style?

Those 21 and over at Rutgers will find any excuse to drink. On snow days, you would think the liquor stores are giving out alcohol for free. When spring rolls around, the minute temperatures hit 60 degrees, backyards around New Brunswick are filled to maximum capacity while classrooms have maybe 2 or 3 desks filled with kids who obviously didn’t get the memo.

As with any night out, no matter how hard each group of friends tries, everyone is always on a different wave of drunkenness. When the weekend rolls around for your St. Patrick’s Day-themed festivities, here are the levels of drunk you and each of your friends will most likely achieve:

The Paddy Pregame: It’s 10:30 p.m. and the shots finally begin to pour. While blasting your “St. Paddy’s Day Drink Playlist” and funneling that 40 oz. Bud Light, it suddenly hits you. No, not the alcohol just yet, but the fact that in between having classes all day and planning your s’cute outfit, you may have forgotten to eat breakfast, lunch or dinner.

When you realize that you’ve capped off half that bottle of Burnettes, but your friends are still acting normal and “not feeling the alcohol at all”, you try to keep your cool and look as sober as possible.

This either results in sitting on the couch and just watching everyone mingle, or nodding in agreement to everything everyone says in attempt to minimize the talking before your drunken word vomit escapes.

The Sober Shamrock: Being sober on St. Patrick’s Day means you’ll see the worst of the worst. While sipping on seltzer water, you’ll most likely get hit on by people who think they have the ultimate game and won’t sense they’re being rejected.

Your claustrophobia will also go from zero to 100 when hundreds of bodies are packed into one bar and you get panicky flashbacks from being shoved around as an 8th grader at a Taking Back Sunday concert.

Time goes by a bit slower while sober, but your friends can serve as the source of entertainment as you watch in horror while they hook up with that gross kid who only gives them the time of day when they’re both to the point of no return.

You’ll also end up being the hero as you watch them throw up all green everything once you get home and still volunteer to change them into clean clothes after dragging them to their room.

While, of course, there is always that person who genuinely does have a good time at bars sober, there's also that kid who brags about how they “don’t need to drink to have a good time” at the exact moment you take your fourth shot in a row. Kudos to you bro, but please don’t be a buzzkill, or even worse, judgmental when your plastered friend stalks someone super cute at the bar all night. Save the negativity for when you’re 40 with kids.

Confused Clover: We all have those nights where you’re totally ready to get blacked out. You’re keeping up with shot after shot at the pregame, and the buzz is kicking in, but it only lasts right up until you step into the bar.

Next, you start chugging that vodka cranberry as if its 1:45 a.m. and you’ve only got 15 minutes until they close. Round of shots? Sure, why not.

You’re finally starting to feel tipsy, but your friends are already like, “OMG, I’m so drunk, tell me you’re just as drunk as I am!”

You then start to backtrack and question your sobriety — you drank just as much as them, but you're still so sober. This is miserable, why God why!?

Beer. Let's start chugging beer.

As you try your hardest to pretend to be having just as much of an awesome time as your friends — cue the fake smile, forced dance moves and trying not to keep checking your phone for the time, you decide to head to the bar for something stronger.

After asking the bartender to make you “literally anything,” he hands you some kind of weird lime green concoction that tastes like a mixture of Jager and who knows what else.

Regardless, you chug because you're sick of your body rejecting alcohol and playing these sick games with you. Unfortunately, you don't feel it until you’re nose deep in cheese fries at 3 a.m.

Irish Car Bombed: This is the level that we all want to achieve for St. Patrick’s day. When you’re completely blacked out, anything goes.

Your alter ego becomes the star of the show and you’re ready for any challenge.

Soon enough, you’re mixing tequila with fireball and vodka with SoCo because you’re actually invincible.

Your dance moves are also top notch, and you’re totally going to hook up with anyone you want because you’re awesome and you’ve brought your A-game tonight.

St. Patrick, whoever he is, didn’t get his own day for being boring, and he sure as hell won't stand for anyone else to be lame either.

Another plus side to getting blacked out is that you have absolutely no recollection of anything stupid you might have done. What’s that saying again? Out of sight, out of mind?

Now that we’ve built up our tolerance through Sylly week — yes, that's an official holiday –– Halloween, Christmukkuh, New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day, it’s time to prove that we can get our BAC levels twice as high as our GPA's this St. Patrick’s Day.

Brenda Stolyar

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