July 15, 2018 | ° F

Conversations we're dreading this Thanksgiving


Ahh, Thanksgiving dinner. You haven’t seen such a delicious bounty of properly cooked food since you kissed your loved ones goodbye and returned to campus at the beginning of the semester, but don’t think you will be chowing down so fast. The only level of anticipation surpassing your broke, collegian hunger is that of your doting relatives.

Sort of a cross between an incredibly nosey first date and FBI background check, their questions are sure to flow more easily than the whiskey from the not-so-secret flask your weird uncle always pockets for the holiday season. It’s wise to arrive at the table prepared.

As you dazzle the clan with your maturity and intelligence, you will practically be cheering for your own quick wit. As certain as the turkey and pumpkin pie, here are our top five predictions for what your elders will be chatting you up about, leveled with whip-smart responses to stay in everyone’s good graces until the next round of festivities. Let’s give thanks for spending time with the ones we love, and an unsupervised liquor cabinet.

First Question
What have you been up to lately?
Wishful answer: Just tutoring at-risk first-year students in Expos, training for a marathon and volunteering at the local soup kitchen.
Realistic answer: Now that classes are getting more tedious, I’ve channeled my love for schoolwork into the new kitten that my housemate adopted.
Best answer: Everything is awesome! A lot of studying and my friends are great. Can’t believe it’s already Thanksgiving again.

Second Question
Judging from your Facebook photos, you seem to be having quite a good time. Are you staying out of trouble?
Wishful answer: Striking a perfect balance between work and play. I’m glad to report that my social life has never been more under control.
Realistic answer: Beyond nursing a headache from falling during my keg stand and accidentally buying slices of pizza for the entire pizza shop last Friday, I am possibly still intoxicated from last night’s bar crawl. I am most definitely too afraid to check my Snapchat story. Oh no, no. I think my ex just texted me.
Best answer: Trouble? Me? Never.

Third Question
How are classes going?
Wishful answer: Just as manageable as they are intellectually stimulating. I’m so glad to be learning such fascinating real world skills that will directly apply to my future profession.
Realistic answer: I survive solely on Red Bull and Adderall. Please don’t tell my parents, but I’m about to change my major. It’s not about the journey, it’s about the destination. C’s get degrees, right?
Best answer: Great! I am learning so much this semester.

Fourth Question
Are you dating anyone special?
Wishful answer: There’s a few people in the picture. I met this really nice Calvin Klein model in class who keeps buying me Hansel, but I don’t know if I’m feeling it. Kind of clingy.
Realistic answer: There’s a few people in the picture, but the one I really like I'm pretty sure has their own few people in the picture.
Best answer: There’s a few people in the picture, yeah.

Fifth Question
So, what exactly are you going to do with your major after graduation?
Wishful answer: Granny, no one told you? I’ve been accepted early to Harvard Law School and Johns Hopkins Medical School, but Goldman Sachs keeps calling. We will see what happens.
Realistic answer: Tomorrow is the day I begin internship applications.
Best answer: Are any of your cool friends hiring?

Janine Puhak

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