April 19, 2019 | 73° F

Why it's okay to be a grinch on christmas


December can be a tough month for those of us who tend to fall on the Grinchy side of humanity. Once the sleigh bells start ringing and the holiday shoppers begin trampling Walmart employees for seasonal deals, anyone who dares criticize the holiday spirit gets accused of being a part of the "War on Christmas." Really though, American Christmas culture is all about corporate profits and materialism anyway, so let us jingle all the way to Whoville and give all the jolly jerks a dose of red and green reality.

Santa isn’t Real

He’s just a lie your parents told you so they could eventually crush the foundation your entire concept of what Christmas was built on. Your friends and family were the ones spending their hard-earned cash on those gifts, and you thanked some imaginary bearded stranger in a velour suit instead. Bet you feel like a real idiot.

Christmas Music Sucks

It may be enjoyable for the first 12 or so years of your life, but beyond that, Christmas music is just an ear-worm that will drive you to the depths of insanity. How many times do we have to hear Mariah Carey’s dog whistle "Christmas Love Song" before someone takes a stand and says enough is enough?

Extended Family is Annoying

You don’t know what anger is until your great aunt sits alone on the porch and refuses to come inside and eat at the table. You also don't know anger until you give your transient uncle a nice gift and you get a Pussycat Dolls karaoke CD from the dollar store in return. Let's not forget the time when your estranged second cousin gave you a bag of oatmeal and glitter, and told you to feed it to Santa’s reindeer. IT’S JUST A WASTE OF FOOD, KATHY. The list goes on for miles.

Decorating is an Unnecessary Hazard

According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, more than 15,000 decorating-related injuries occur in November and December every year. Sorry kids, the only gifts your dads are getting this Christmas from crappy, plastic Saint Nick and his reindeer buddies are traumatic back injuries. Blame your mother, she’s the one who made him climb up on the roof.

Your Heart is Two Sizes Too Small

It’s a serious medical condition, dammit!

Mary Ellen Cagnassola

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