November 19, 2018 | ° F

Food is for squares, drink juice for 24 hours instead


Now that the sun is here to stay, the chic, sleek people of the world are donning pastel and sucking down juice like they’ve never known water. Critics of the fabled juice cleanse have long condemned the harms of fasting, citing evidence that it takes nothing from the body but water weight and gives headaches. In the other corner though, juice cleanse enthusiasts champion rewards like cell healing, revitalized energy and pain reduction. I’m no biology major, so I wasn’t taking sides, but I was excited to take a day off from saturated fats, refined carbohydrates and processed foods to see what this mythical trend is all about.

Rules of the Game

No caffeine besides green tea, no alcohol, nothing but freshly made, preferably non-pasteurized juice for 24 hours and only five to six juices allowed every two to three hours.

12 a.m.: My roommate laughs when I announce the cleanse is for real. We discuss the merits of hummus, her new favorite food and I doze off, wondering if I should have had a snack.

7:45 a.m.: Good morning world!

8:35 a.m.: I hop on the train without my favorite traveling companion — coffee — trying not to think about how much I miss her already.

10 a.m.: Reporting live at my desk because Tuesday’s are internship days. Skipping breakfast was surprisingly easier than I'd expected and I feel just fine.

11:30 a.m.: Quenched the first hunger pang with a Naked "Strawberry Banana." Disapproved for higher sugars and pasteurizing processes, this isn’t ideal, but Naked juice is what a $20 budget will get you. In a perfect world, I would have blended produce at home with the fancy juicer my housemate kindly lent, but three classes yesterday didn’t let that happen. 

1:15 p.m.: Walked around Central Park and fell victim to the scents of the falafel and peanut trucks. When did I acquire such a strong sense of smell?

1:50 p.m.: Ventured to Whole Foods to pick up more juice — must imagine the salad bar is invisible.

2:20 p.m.: Mmmm — "Evolution Fresh Cold-Pressed Protein Powder Berry" — let's be friends forever.

3:45 p.m.: I hope no one suspects something is wrong since I’m in the bathroom so often.

4:30 p.m.: This is usually my snack time, but I'm going to have to resist. I was nervous to open the bottle of "Kevita Lemon Cayenne Drink," but it’s actually delicious. When Beyoncé famously detoxed and put cleansing on the map for "Dreamgirls," she did it with lemonade made out of cayenne pepper, lemons and maple syrup for weeks on end. Praise the queen — I’ve got a new-found appreciation.

5 p.m.: Okay, delicious was an overstatement. There are some serious cayenne undertones in here — is your stomach supposed to hurt this much?

5:27 p.m.: Of course this would be the day that Magnolia Bakery delivers German chocolate and butter cream éclairs — I don’t even like éclairs! I walk past them very quickly.

5:44 p.m.: Ah, the promised headache begins to set in. I find my way to Jimmy John’s website and begin daydreaming about sandwiches.

6:10 p.m.: Wait, is the elevator always this shaky?

6:34 p.m.: Bai Antioxidant Infusion Drink in "Ipanema Pomegranate," I’m ready for you. I sip it down quick — it’s a let down! I run some errands to distract myself.

7:40 p.m.: The train is really rocky, but I am totally going to work out after this.

9 p.m.: I arrive home and leap into bed. I never feel tired like this at 9 o’clock at night, but trying a juice cleanse with a cold was probably not the best idea.

9:46 p.m.: Typing away on some homework, and it’s time for the last juice of the day — "B’More Organic Skyr Banana Drink." Ugh, there’s almond milk in here and it's heaven. 

10:30 p.m.: I’ll do anything to eat something.

11:15 p.m.: I flick on a movie for distraction.

12:01 p.m.: Message from my house group chat — “Anyone want pizza?”

12:15 p.m.: No love for me, as I lovingly pour milk into a bowl of Chex cereal. As I raise my spoon to my lips, I realize that I’ve forgotten how to chew.

Wednesday morning

I didn’t sleep too soundly last night, but I woke up feeling great. Adjusting to regular meals again is weird and I’m super conscious of every bite I take. Throughout the day, I’m shocked by how much energy I have, but that's probably just because coffee is flowing in my system again. 

Janine Puhak

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