April 25, 2019 | 52° F

THURAVIL: Tips to get us through President Donald J. Trump Era

Opinions Column: Sip on Your Chai

With the publication of false terror incidents, the attacks on “fake” news outlets and rants on baseless yet inflammatory claims the man in the Oval Office insists on perpetuating, it seems as though President Donald J. Trump will stop at nothing to constantly put non-white straight, Christian males in a negative light. As unfortunate as the leader of the free world invalidating almost two-thirds of the country’s population is, it is a sad reality we’ll have to deal with for the next four years. Luckily, I’ve managed to round up some useful tips and tricks to help us get through this difficult time, mostly sane and maybe in one piece.

Pretend to really enjoy fast food and meat, even if you don’t. It’s known that Trump really loves fast food, especially McDonald’s, KFC and his Trump Tower Taco Bowls. To appear more favorable to him, get yourself some, too. Tweet it out to him. And along the way, you’ll be doing the Counselor to the President, Kellyanne Conway's job of giving “free commercials” to these chains too. It’s a win-win. And to my fellow vegans, vegetarians, kosher and halal diet followers, I know it’s hard, but ask yourselves — would you rather have to digest food that your stomachs are not used to or morally and ethically against, or digest the sorry and terrifying state of affairs that greets you every single morning?

Talk about fake attacks and incidents to seem in the loop with “real” news. Out with the lazy and entitled millennial whines about a crashing job market and the rising cost of living and in with the, “Oh my god, did you hear about what happened in Bar Harbor, Maine?” Of course, nothing really happened in Bar Harbor, but because we said so, we can confidently claim without evidence that it, in fact, did. This is a great way to seamlessly fit right in with the Trump camp, and you get bonus points with Conway, making you super relatable. Don’t worry about the implied criminalization of Muslims who are entirely not at fault and are unfairly held responsible for actions of extremists who happen to share their religion, because the Trump administration doesn’t either.

Insist that your science, math and other classes that tell you anything Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos doesn’t want you to know are full of “alternative facts." Two plus two equals four? Wrong. The Earth’s round? That’s a lie. The censorship of media is a key characteristic of fascism? Fake News. With this blind and foolish insistence, you too can be swept into the tidal wave of ignorance sweeping across the nation. After all, who doesn’t want to be responsible for young children being taught that dinosaurs roamed the earth along with humans? You’ll be hailed and worshiped as a hero. That is if people still know how to spell "worship" by then.

Wear clothes made and endorsed by the administration, and make sure to dress like your sex. Who cares if the endorsement is a violation of government ethics? These clothes are expensive and come from a family known for mongering hate against people who aren’t male, straight and white — and that’s what you want your outfit to represent. You want to blend right into the — relatively small — crowds of people who show up to support the president. You will also get a special mention from Trump for “dressing like a woman” and not shopping at Nordstrom — even if you do, you can quickly make up alternative facts to hide that. Forget individuality and personal self-expression, looking like the epitome of male-dictated femininity is the next big fashion trend of 2017, no matter how much it seems like it’s from the 1960s. And to all my men out there, while your ladies are out flaunting the lace and satin works of the Trump family, pick your most ill-fitting suits and embrace your society-enforced hyper-masculinity. It’s a great look to roll back women’s and minority rights and advocate for outdated elitist policies in.

Above all, be patriotic and act as a champion of capitalism and freedom, even though your president is a slow-moving train-wreck on course to destruction. If our president can act as though everything is fine and that the White House is operating like a “fine-tuned machine,” then so can you. All your foresight and predictions of what the state of America will be in the future can be tossed out through the window because they tend to interfere with the toxic and unquestioned support of the current administration. And in a democracy as free as the American dream, who wants that?

Neeharika Thuravil is a School of Arts and Sciences freshman majoring in computer science and astrophysics. Her column, "Sip on Your Chai," runs on alternate Tuesdays.

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Neeharika Thuravil

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