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Psychosexual therapist gives Rutgers “the talk”

Dr. Ruth Westheimer, a sex therapist, radio host and author, gave her opinion about sexual issues yesterday at the Douglass Student Center. – Photo by Photo by Colin Pieters | The Daily Targum

Dr. Ruth Westheimer said she could walk around campus and tell whether students are sexually satisfied or not. 

Westheimer, a sex therapist, radio host and author of more than 30 books on human sexuality, gave sexual advice and told students her honest opinion about sexual issues at The “Richard D. Heffner Open Mind Lecture” yesterday in the Douglass Student Center.

The lecture began this year in honor of Heffner, a late Rutgers professor and host of PBS’s “The Open Mind” talk show.

Westheimer met Heffner when he became her neighbor. She appeared on his show several times and he called her “America’s significant other.”

She said watching Heffner’s show stimulated parts of the brain that grow people in a way that ultimately improves their relationships. 

“That look between you and me, I told Richard, really shows a relationship. Not about sex, per se … but something about a relationship,” she said

Rutgers was the first university to have a Dr. Ruth club, in which members would sit and listen to her every Sunday night. 

Westheimer described her journey after losing her parents to the Holocaust and serving in the Israeli armed forces. Her experiences as a Holocaust survivor led her to want to help people. 

People are talking more explicitly about sex, and more women are having orgasms, she said. Sexual literacy is improving, leading to fewer unwanted pregnancies. 

Loose dialogue and humor helps to teach people about serious subjects.

“A lesson taught with humor is a lesson retained,” she said. 

Women have learned that they have to take the responsibility for their own sexual satisfaction, she said. No longer do women assume that their men will know what they will enjoy.

Thirty percent of sexually active American women have an orgasm during sex, and another 30 percent orgasm when the clitoris is stimulated before or after sex. While thirty percent never orgasm, 5 percent could orgasm while sitting in the auditorium. The other 5 percent were inconclusive.

Even after many years of debate, scientists have yet to conclusively find the G-spot, she said. Many women have come to her saying they feel abnormal because they expect to orgasm that way, and she has to tell them that is fine.

“We need more education in terms of sexual intimacy,” she said. “There are medical students and nursing students to talk about … sexual advocacy.”

In response to a student question about analingus, she noted that more and more people were coming to her with questions about anal sex. Westheimer warned that couples should be prepared, but said they should definitely feel open to trying it. 

She noticed a concerning trend on college campuses: couples holding hands and texting with their other hands.

“I am very worried about issues of relationships. I worry that we are losing the ability to have a conversation,” she said. 

She used to say parents should not pry in their children’s lives, but she has changed her mind. Now, they have no choice but to find out what their child is posting on the Internet, including naked pictures. 

Another tremendous change in today’s world is the attitude toward homosexuality. 

“When two men or two women walk into my office, I treat them with the same respect as any other couple,” Westheimer said.

She lamented the closing of clinics and centers that provide abortions and birth control. There is still a group of people who find abortion and contraception an issue, but for her, it is obvious that abortion must remain legal.

She discussed the sexual practices of religions, including her own, Judaism. In the Jewish tradition, men are expected to have sex with their wives every Friday and are expected to continue to have sex after their wives hit menopause. 

She opposed the new California law that says sexual partners can withdraw consent at any stage.

Regarding her “Sex for Dummies” book, she was convinced almost as soon as someone approached her.

“I opened ‘Windows 97 for Dummies’ — within two seconds, I said, ‘Yes I’ll do it,’” she said. 

It has now been replicated in several languages, she said, which indicates a general curiosity about sex across cultures. 

Matt Matsuda, dean of the School of Arts and Sciences Honors Program, said Heffner was an “extraordinary professor.”

“When he passed away, some students wrote me a note saying, ‘Our classmates and I would like to pay our respects to the most influential professor we’ve ever had and the most influential we probably will ever have,’” he said. 

Alexander Heffner, the grandson of the professor, said he was “forever grateful” for the lessons he learned from his grandfather. 

His definition of teaching was service. He inquired because he was genuinely curious about how the next generation would turn out, Alexander Heffner said. 

“He was a teacher, and he was the most loving and inspiring grandfather,” he said.


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