Snooki harms U.'s reputation
In these uncertain times, it is great to know exactly where the priorities of an institution lie. Our own University, which in its rich history has traditionally made top-notch affordable education its priority, has made it clear that its current top priority is providing top-notch college entertainment. Students entering the University will now know that not only is our school the eighth oldest university in United States, but it also stands tall as the first university where the iconic Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi of "Jersey Shore" fame spoke. At a sold-out forum, 500 lucky University undergraduates received invaluable advice on dance moves, a demonstration on hair styling and her general wisdom on life, culminating in the mantra "Study hard, but party harder!"
Honestly, this is great and Snooki is right. Who in their right mind would not want to spend their four years in college partying instead of studying those hard subjects like science and math? I personally feel that receiving a degree in modern club dancing and binge drinking will pay off in the long run. I mean, it did for our beloved "Jersey Shore" icon and it will for all of our undergraduates — conditional, of course, on the fact that their parents continue to pay their cellphone bills and let them move into the family garage come graduation.
Having established this precedent, the University should move swiftly to assure that all new incoming students receive nothing less than excellence in their University entertainment experience. Within the next months the University should consider using more student money to invite such distinguished speakers as Pamela Anderson, mixed-martial artist Kimbo Slice and the guy from the "ShamWow" TV ads. Speaker fees might be high, and the University should consider subsidizing these expenses by diverting funds from the nerds in the physics department. No price is too high to provide quality entertainment in place of obsolete and hard to learn knowledge.
Experts agree, in the economic turmoil that defined the last two years, the only safe investment was and remains a college degree. According to The New York Times, college graduates earn an average of 50 percent more than those with only a high school diploma. But no one ever said anything about the quality of that education, giving the University a possibility to exploit that loophole and give students the right dance moves and hairdos, rather than any real world expertise in sought-after high-tech fields. If other schools like Columbia and Princeton even dare to look at us the wrong way on the dance floor, well, you know what they call those losers on the "Jersey Shore."
Alex Nikulin is a School of Arts and Sciences graduate student majoring in geological sciences.
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