Struggles of being horny during coronavirus

The coronavirus (COVID-19) disease has undoubtedly changed everyone’s lives. Between social distancing and lockdowns, the new normal is being extra careful about every interaction, washing your hands constantly and never leaving the house without a mask (or, more realistically, forgetting your mask, realizing you forgot it and then running back into the house to get it). 

Basically, everything that involves physical intimacy is a big no-no. So where does that leave us single and ready to mingle people? For those of us who are too wary to risk it for the biscuit — and please be careful if you do risk it — hookups have become just a faraway fantasy for a day in the future when making out is no longer a life or death situation. 

You match with people on dating apps just for the LOLz

Staying at home all day and avoiding social settings is excruciatingly boring, but it’s what ending this pandemic requires. Even before COVID-19, dating apps — Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, and Hinge — were a great way to pass the time. 

Now, considering that there’s a public health reason to avoid meeting up with people whose health habits you don’t know, there’s even less incentive to, well, date. Even though we might find ourselves spending more time swiping left and right, for many of us, that’s as far as it goes. I mean like, yeah I guess we can match and I guess I can pretend to enjoy your “New Girl” references, but if I’m not getting head for my noble efforts, what’s the point? 

You add batteries and/or lotion to your shopping list ... again

“The safest type of sexual activity during the COVID-19 pandemic is masturbation,” according to Mayo Clinic.

That’s right — if you can’t even be within 6-feet between other people, how could you possibly hook up with them? The virus spreads through respiratory droplets, meaning that every time someone who is infected with it sneezes, coughs or even talks, the virus could be inhaled by someone else. Needless to say, kissing and oral sex, which involve the exchange of saliva, could put you at risk of contracting the virus.

So … yeah. Do your part by staying in and loving yourself … again.

And while we’re on the subject of masturbation, let’s all take the time to destigmatize masturbation for everybody, not just cisgender men. Anyone can pleasure themselves with the right tools and the right imagination — and it’s certainly a better option than getting a whole virus from a (let’s face it) slightly-better-than-average hookup experience. When you add that pleasure device to your online shopping cart, do it with the pride of knowing you're keeping yourself and others safe!

Fire songs come out and you’re not able to have sex to them

One of the most obvious drawbacks about not being able to hook up with people in 2020 is that all of these amazing songs are coming out and you just have to pretend it doesn’t hurt that you can’t have a good hookup session to them. Like come on. “WAP” is a whole ass vibe, and we’re supposed to just get groovy in our rooms alone? That’s just cruel. 

Adding new music to your hookup playlist used to be fun and exciting. Now it’s just kind of ... sad. Well, at least a vibe is still a vibe whether you’re alone or with a crush! By the time we’re all able to meet up with Tinder matches again, you can be sure you’ll have curated the ultimate playlist.

The sexual tension between you and … literally anyone 

A meme that came out of this pandemic is “the sexual tension between …” Some of the funniest and most relatable ones include “the sexual tension between you and the only other person in the hotel pool” by Twitter user @titsilog and “The sexual tension between you & the person looking at the same painting as you in the art museum” by @prvserpine.

But being horny without being able to hook up with anyone makes it hard not to have this feeling of sexual tension, like, all the time. The immediate popularity of this meme shows how horny we all are. 

You consider hitting up your ex or the person you used to talk to

Before I even talk about this, the answer is no. DO. NOT. HIT. UP. YOUR. EX. I promise you, it’s not worth it. 

Due to how deprived of intimacy some of you have been, you may be considering hitting up your ex for some attention or trying to rekindle an old flame that fizzled out. I’m here to say that according to no substantial research outside of personal experiences: Don’t do it. You stopped talking for a reason, right? Acknowledge the urge, but please, don’t do it. You’ll probably feel worse off. 

But ... okay, who are we kidding? If you do decide to slide into those DMs now, just be sure to protect yourself from potential heartbreak or embarrassment. Just make sure you’re putting your own best interests first and try to see past the haze of horniness that urges you to push send. 

You may also be on the receiving end of one of these sorts of texts and feel free to leave them on read. 

Look on the bright side? Maybe?

I mean, let’s try to maybe stay positive. Yeah, it sucks we all can’t get our nut in. But maybe take this time to figure out some of the lesser-explored aspects of your sexuality. Like maybe you have a kink you didn’t really know existed. Or maybe you’re into a gender you really didn’t even know you were attracted to. Try journaling, watching different kinds of porn, and exploring your own imagination. You’ll be surprised what you may find in the depths of that mind of yours. 

To conclude, being horny in a whole pandemic really is not talked about enough. It’s certainly not one of the most pressing issues of our time, but it’s definitely a thing! 

For all my single baddies out there, remember: Literally nobody is worth your health or the health of your loved ones. Protect yourself by being extra extra extra safe from STDs, crazy hook-ups, and of course, COVID-19. If you do plan on hooking up with someone, please get tested for COVID-19 and have them get tested too. Have important conversations about their social distancing practices, and remember that COVID-19 is still definitely harming people. For now, we suggest you take one for the team and keep going solo for a little while longer!